So what is hard work and how do you know if you’re doing it?

Hard work is the work that challenges you to see beyond the moment. To focus on the bigger objectives. And to set a strategic plan in motion that you THINK will get you there but knowing that you can’t be certain it will. You’ll know you’re doing hard work if, as Seth Godin writes in Linchpin, the lizard part of your brain starts to deploy some good old-fashioned fear based resistance tactics that distract you from doing the work in the first place. We can NEVER be sure our plans will get us where we need to be and it is precisely this uncertainty that feeds the lizard brain, if we let it.

Seth has an interesting way of looking at to be sure, but I think about a little bit differently. For me, knowing I’m doing or about to do hard work doesn’t get signaled in the brain. It’s in the kishkes – that part of your stomach that you don’t know exists until some thing is really bothering you. When your kishkes start turning, you know you’re onto something important. Like the lizard brain, our kishkes are also pretty good at preventing us from doing the hard work we need to do, if we let them.

So here’s how you get past the kishkes: take a deep breath, reassure yourself that you can handle whatever outcome is coming your way, throw up if you need to, and then do just do it. Yup… at the end of the day it all comes back to Nike and that’s really all there is to it. Just do it.

When we resist doing things out of fear we only focus on what that failure might look like. We forget that we have infinite resources and ways to cope with the many puzzles, problems and challenges life throws our way. Did I fall apart when I didn’t get the job I wanted? Probably not. Did my life end when the project I was working on didn’t come in on time or budget? Nope. Did I land myself in a drunken stupor for six months when my last relationship ended? Doubtful. But am I still paralyzed by fear when confronted with any of those scenarios? You bet.

Bad things happen to us all the time. And if we’re doing hard work we’ll probably fail a lot. But we’ve all been through rough times and if we do the hard work of really thinking about those bad times we can learn much, chiefly that we coped and moved on. Reminding ourselves of that helps us to set a different expectation – that we will continue to cope with whatever life has in store for us just as we have in the past. That’s what we do. We are resilient creatures in a constant state of change and continually adapting to meet new challenges.

So don’t let the irrational musings of your kishkes or lizard brain prevent you from doing hard work. Pay attention to their resistance-inducing rumblings and then remind yourself that you’ve been here before and that whatever the outcome you’ll be just fine. If you can do that, you’ll be doing intentional, productive and rewarding hard work.

Good luck keeping the kishkes at bay.

Scott

The first US Labor Day was observed in 1882. It was a celebration of the economic and social contributions of the workers. Ten years previously, Canada was among the first in the world to observe a Labour Day. Ours was a celebration commemorating the trade labour unions’ victory in having the work week reduced to 58 hours (and then to 54 hours the following year). The true goal of the unions was to split the day equally into three eight-hour parts: one part for work; one part family/recreation; and one part for sleep.

I am tempted to explore the sociological implications of the difference between the Canadian and US origins of Labour Day but I don’t think this will result in anything novel or of practical importance. It is however fascinating to me that where one country chose to celebrate the ‘fruits of labor’ another country chose to celebrate an increase in leisure time. I see the merits of both and I definitely see the impact this divergent thinking has had on our respective countries development. But I digress.

What is even more interesting is how we – as individuals – think about labour and what it is we’re celebrating when we take a step away from it. For me there are a few questions that guide my thinking. Are we, like the American intention, celebrating what we have achieved? Or are we more Canadian focused, celebrating our ability to enjoy more leisure time with family and friends? Or maybe we’re celebrating something else altogether? And, finally, does any of this matter?

I can’t answer any of these questions for anyone other than myself. But I do hope that in asking them I have created some space for you come up with your own answers. Even if just for a minute you think about what Labour Day means for you, I will have achieved my goal. And I can’t help but to believe that if you do take that moment, together we will have also achieved the goal of Labour Day itself, or any special day actually: to reflect on what it means and to enjoy it with intention.

Being a good Canadian, I incorporated the diversity of perspectives in my approach to Labour Day. I will use it as an opportunity to celebrate the productive fruits of labour and will share this moment with friends and family as we take a well-earned pause from it. I hope you too found a meaningful way to spend the day.

Happy Labour Day.

Scott

But I also love September. People start looking at the year ahead and making commitments to do things differently. It’s kinda like a New Year’s resolution do-over but without the alcohol or guilt.

This September is especially exciting for me. Although I left my left my full time job in May to become an independent therapist, coach, trainer and consultant, my summer months are so busy with work travel and rushing back to the city in between for appointments with my therapy and coaching clients, I haven’t had much time to think about how I’m going to structure the rest of my year.

So that’s what I’ve been doing these last few days of August. Taking a pause. Thinking about the work I love doing and putting together my plan for how to do more of it. Here’s a preview of what I’ve come up with so far.

Coaching:

• Continue my work in general life coaching, relationship coaching, and parent coaching (mostly parents of older children and teens);
• Expand my focus to include more business/leadership coaching.

Therapy:

• Increase my work with men (18+) who are addressing issues related to relationships, learning disabilities or ADD/ADHD, histories of being bullied, self-esteem, depression, anxiety, phobias or sexual orientation.

Consulting:

• Work with more organizations in creating recruitment, hiring, training and retention strategies;
• Assist not-for-profit organizations in developing youth and young adult engagement initiatives.

Workshops & Talks:

• Deliver more workshops on goal setting and coaching, values-based leadership, management styles, and diversity and inclusion;
• Offer more talks and workshops on working with (or parenting) generation Y/Zers.

I’m excited for this next phase of my career and if there’s any part of the work I’m doing that interests you – as a client, partner, or colleague – please be in touch. I’m always happy to discuss more ways I can do what I love doing.

In the meantime, I hope you enjoy the final days of summer and get excited to put together your own plans. If you need any help with that call me… it’s what I do!

Scott

But for those who have been to camp themselves there’s a lot of excitement. They are immediately envious that I get to go ‘play’ at camp. They regale me with stories of their own camping days and then end off as they started – with a sense of envy about my summers spent canoeing, kayaking, windsurfing, hanging out at Arts and Crafts, going on the zip line and chilling out in my cabin during rest hour. Or so they think!

Spoiler alert… I’m about to bust some of those myths about how I spend my time at camp and encourage you to look at camps a little bit differently, whether you’ve been to one or not.

Camp is definitely a place where a lot of fun happens. But as one great camp director always says ‘fun is not the goal of summer camp. Fun is what happens on our way to achieving our goals.’  And this goal is nothing short of growing children and young adults in the most important sense of what it means to grow people.

Every good camp director will say the same thing: camp is a place where everyone gets to learn about who they are and is challenged to become the best version of themselves. And parents agree. After a few weeks at camp, they find themselves the recipients of children who are much more confident, independent and thoughtful than they were when they put them on the camp bus not so long ago. They see more growth and maturity in their children after time spent at a summer camp than they’ve seen the entire year leading up to it.

So for many parents camp is not only not simply a childcare option to get rid of their kids for the summer, it is one of the best things they can do for them. Even during the lean years of the past decade parents have given up family vacations, used savings or money typically allocated for savings contributions, or have even involved other family members to ensure that their own financial challenges did not disrupt the incredible learning and growing experiences from which their children benefit at camp. They might not always understand how camps do what they do but they know they’re good at it and their children thrive while away.

And now back to me. Why do I go to camp and what do I do there? The learning and growing through the supportive and challenging environment at camp is not restricted to a ‘camper-zone’. Rather the desire to focus on and draw out the best in everyone is equally felt by anyone passing through the camp gates. So I too get to learn and grow from each experience.

I spend my time at camp meeting with staff, discussing complicated behaviours or interactions involving campers and/or other staff. I also get to be involved in some of the big picture discussions about the camp’s culture, identity and what kind of place it wants to be for those who come. It’s often non-stop work from morning to night so although I hate to disappoint those who believe I spend my summers playing at camp, I have to tell you that in the last two years of visiting camps, I have only been in a canoe three times for about a half-hour each and swam once. There simply wasn’t any time for that. This fact demonstrates that although fun is happening all around the staff at summer camp and that they do often get to partake in it, they are very dedicated to improvement and take advantage of my outsider’s perspectives to help make their camp the best it can be, even when it comes at the expense of some of that fun.

I have learned a lot from the staffs’ dedication, passion, and commitment in the past four years. In many ways I feel like all I’ve learned – or have been reminded of – at summer camps is pretty close to everything I need to know to live an incredibly rich life.

Here are a few highlights:

1. Ask questions. Of yourself. Of others. Sometimes things look obvious but there’s often much more happening beneath the surface.
2. Understand that if you want success for yourself or for others you need to know what it looks like and that it’s often different for each person.
3. Know that there are usually different paths that will lead to the same place. Once you know where it is you or someone else wants to go your job isn’t to figure out the BEST path to get there but the RIGHT path for person traveling it.
4. Success motivates more success. We often want more for ourselves or others than is required to be successful in the moment and that’s okay for the most part. But not okay if we do it at the expense of celebrating the incremental successes necessary along the way to greater achievements.
5. Raise the bar higher. People feel their most driven when someone believes that they can do more than they thought was possible. They also feel their most proud when they reach that bar.

Summer camp is a powerful place where lots of learning and growing happens. It’s sometimes hard to replicate this type of environment elsewhere in our lives but it’s relatively simple to look back on what we learned at camp and to use that knowledge or skill elsewhere. To that end, I’d love to hear your own stories from camp – especially those that demonstrate what you’ve learned and how this has helped you in life.  So please take a minute and post some of your summer camp thoughts and stories here as I think we can all benefit from a little more camp in our lives!

Looking forward to reading your stories.

Scott

For the past five years – since I finished grad school – I have been working as a full time counselor in the Counseling and Disability Office at Seneca College. It’s been a great ride that is coming to an end next week so that I can dedicate all of my energies to my private therapy practice as well as the life coaching, training and consulting business I have been developing part-time over the past three years.

In thinking about the week to come, I remembered a training session I developed and facilitated on managing transitions for a group of wide-eyed first year managers. I certainly didn’t know a year ago as I researched and wrote this session that I would benefit as much as student of this learning as I did as its teacher. As it turns out transitions, like many experiences, follow a fairly predictable pattern. In order to successfully navigate a transition you must first let go of your old reality. And part of letting go of anything requires an acknowledgement of loss. Even if you’re looking forward to a next step or running from a negative experience there is a loss inherent in every new beginning. Accepting that loss is a critical part of change. Not doing so prolongs the inexplicable feelings of frustration or alienation that might accompany transition.

The next step is living in the new reality with all the uncertainty it entails. No future, no matter how carefully planned out, is exempt from the unknown. The task here is to get comfortable with having way more questions than you do answers. If you get good at accepting the unknowns and allowing the questions to multiply you avoid the knee-jerky moves that usually accompany our discomfort with them. Ultimately you’ll make better choices and decisions that reflect the spirit of why you’ve embarked on this next phase in the first place.

That leads nicely into the exploration phase. Although you still want to keep your options open you do want to start answering some of the questions. What does this new reality look like? What possible opportunities exist? How do I learn more about what works and doesn’t for me? Remember to take your time exploring all the possible answers. A short-term decision that is anxiety and/or money driven isn’t going to get where you need to go. If done right, successfully navigating a current transition could circumvent the need to prematurely navigate future transitions.

Once you’re done collecting data from the exploration phase, you need to make some choices, commit to them and firmly root yourself in your new experience. In part, this is done by looking back and taking stock of how far you’ve come and how much closer you are to what you want. If you’ve done things right, this should put a smile on your face. Then you can take the final step towards a successful transition: proudly embracing your arrival in your new reality.

Transitions are fraught with tension and doubt. Even as a teacher of what it takes to successfully navigate them I am not immune to the negative impact of these. Recognizing where I’m at and why I’m here, I hope and as I teach others, will help lessen the anxiety and keep me moving forward. As they say, the proof is in the pudding so I’ll keep you posted on my own transition over the weeks and months to come.

Wish me luck!

Scott

I can tell you that what I’ve noticed of myself and others is that we tend to flee from discomfort. I’m not sure if it’s our pleasure-seeking nature or an evolutionary flight or fight response but the result is often the same – we ignore, avoid, distance ourselves from some of the tougher stuff we encounter. The upside of doing so is huge and obvious, if not only temporary.

The downside, however, is often equally huge albeit less obvious.

What happens when we avoid those things that make us uncomfortable or cause us pain? As with anything we avoid, I believe it sits in the emotional bank collecting interest and growing at a rate that far exceeds what we’d get at a real bank, leaving us with a much bigger issue to contend with.

And maybe that’s okay. Maybe we’ll be better equipped to tackle the issue later – regardless of how big it’s gotten?

And maybe that’s not okay. Maybe the issue will continue to grow into such a monster that we’re never in a good place to confront it?

If you are ready to deal with the tough stuff here’s what you’ll get: coping skills, a more clear picture of who you are and the ability to deal with even tougher issues in the future. All of which are much harder to get if you keep avoiding.

I think about these tough or painful times in life as moments of productive tension. I might not want to deal with them, I might not feel ready or equipped to deal with them, I might not deal with them well and they might cause me incredible discomfort or even pain but what I gain from tackling them is immeasurable.

Because of this I try to think more clearly about what I’m avoiding and why. I also try to avoid less. I’m getting better at it, although far from perfect. As I allow myself to have these moments of productive tension I’ve noticed a few interesting byproducts. I ultimately find better ways of navigating difficult situations, which means that I find fewer situations difficult in the first place. And I run into some resistance amongst my peer group when I do attempt to experience the tougher moments rather than avoiding them. I suppose the same instincts that cause us to avoid difficult issues get transferred to others when we see them uncomfortable or in pain.

Although I understand why this happens I’m hoping to change the game a little. I’m hoping to allow myself the richness that comes with going through these moments of tension and I’m hoping to do a better job of encouraging others when they too choose to face their own difficult moments. Hopefully they, in turn, will learn to accept my need to experience and tackle both the good and the bad that come my way.

As with anything, it’s about finding what works for you while at the same time making sure you’re pushing yourself just a little further than you’re comfortable with. In doing so, you can turn that tension into productive and important moments of learning and growth.

Good luck!

Scott

The story is about so much more than being saved from the brink though. It’s about a people – the Jews – who have become a virtually invisible minority within the Persian kingdom in which they live. The name Esther itself in Hebrew means hidden and the book of Esther is the only book in the Torah (bible) that does not include any mention of God. The identity of the people is hidden and so too is the divine.  It is only when Esther stands up and makes herself visible as a Jew that she is able to thwart the attempt to annihilate her people. For many, the story is about claiming your identity in order to bring about your own salvation and thereby creating a space for the divine in all of us to exist.

Last night I attended my Shul’s (synagogue) annual Purim party. We read the book of Esther as a community to remind ourselves of this story and its meanings and then we did what Jews are meant to do on Purim: celebrate, in costume, until you no longer know the difference between good and evil. The reason for this is to relive the experience of being hidden or invisible and of being unaware of the truth.

Visibility has been something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I was recently asked to speak on a multi-faith panel discussing the intersection of homosexuality, gender identity, religion and spirituality as it relates to primary and secondary education. I was selected to offer my perspectives as a gay Jew. I had never done anything like this before.

Around the same time, I also registered to attend a national training institute delivered by Keshet:  an American, national grassroots organization that works for the full inclusion of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender Jews in Jewish life (www.keshetonline.org). The purpose of this training institute is to equip Jewish educators and community leaders with the skills and resources needed to work towards creating safer and more inclusive spaces within their own communities.

I agreed to speak on the panel and I sought out the opportunity to attend Keshet’s training for two reasons: I feel I have something to offer to the important and necessary conversations that are happening about the self-harming behaviours and suicides amongst lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered and queer (LGBTQ) teens, who are on average four times as likely to engage in these than their straight identified counterparts; and I believe the best way I can help others is by claiming this sometimes hidden identity myself – to make myself and my experiences visible.

The similarities and implications between where I’m at in my own journey and the story of Esther became abundantly clear to me last night at the very end of a successful party. While waiting for a few friends to finish cleaning up I was standing at the bar chatting with a few guys who were not from our community. They had come in at the end of the night and seemed to be connected to the owner of the bar. Two of the three started using incredibly offensive homophobic language (i.e. faggot). They weren’t saying this about me but nevertheless I did not want to be subjected to it and I asked them to stop because it was me they were speaking about. They looked at me and said ‘you’re a fag’. I said ‘I’m gay’. The hate in their eyes burned through me as I answered their question. They turned their backs on me and continued to talk about the fucking faggots and how they wanted them dead. The third guy standing there assured me that they were ignorant and I shouldn’t pay any attention to them.

I walked away. My friends who were still there saw pretty immediately that I wasn’t okay and I told them what had happened. They told our contact at the bar who, although appalled, said there was nothing we could do. We finished packing up quickly and left in what felt to me like we were fleeing – like I didn’t have a right to be there or was in jeopardy if I did.

I have never been face-to-face with people who so obviously not only did not want me around but actively hated me and wished me dead. I was overcome with pain and inconsolable. It took many tender moments with some very special people who love me to move me past the despair I had sunk myself into.

I realize today that it wasn’t just what two guys in a bar said or did that caused me to become so overwhelmed but it was the outpouring of pain I’ve been carrying around since I realized I was gay many years ago – and probably before. It is the pain of knowing that there are people out there who would rather you didn’t exist, who think you’re an unhealthy perversion, who, in their extreme, want you dead. It was the pain of knowing how many people take their own lives or engage in lots of unhealthy behaviours because, on some level, they either agree with those messages or can’t tolerate hearing them anymore. And it was the pain of realizing that I too still haven’t made peace with being gay combined with a sense of not knowing anymore how I might.

I have never wanted to be defined by sexual orientation. I haven’t been active in the LGBTQ community. I haven’t ‘flaunted’ being gay nor really shared much of what it is like for me to be gay with my friends and family. I wanted it to just be some, mainly invisible, inconsequential part of who I am. But it’s not inconsequential, it never has been and I suspect for at least my lifetime it never will be. We’ve come a long way in creating a safer environment for the LGBTQ community – at least in Canada. But as I’ve begun to realize, and was hit over the head with last night, we still have a long way to go.

Like Esther, I can no longer be complicit in making myself and my experiences invisible. I am here. I am gay. It is difficult and sometimes painful. I do face many challenges and encounter all kinds of inappropriate, offensive and hurtful situations because of it. And I want you to know.

Not only do I want you to know, I need you to help too. I need you to talk about my story or the story of anyone you know who has faced similar situations. I need you to think about whether or not you’re okay with the fact that four times as many LGBTQ teenagers engage in self-harming or suicidal behaviours. And if you’re not, I need you to think about what you can do about it or engage me in a conversation about how you can help.

Being this open and active is new for me. It feels right. It feels important. And it also feels like I’m setting myself up for many more situations like I faced last night. I’m not sure where this is going as of yet but I know that I can’t do it alone so I hope you’ll join me.

I am actually speaking at Victoria College at the University of Toronto Monday night. Once again, I will be offering a Jewish perspective on finding space for the LGBTQ community within the Bible. I’ve included the info below. And I will also be speaking on a similar topic at the Annex Shul’s next Shabbat dinner, which we are co-hosting with Kulanu Toronto, a Jewish LGBTQ group on April 1^st (www.annexshul.com/events). You can help by attending and/or spreading the word about both of these events.

Thanks for reading. May we all equally and proudly claim each part of our identities.

Chag sameach.

Scott

When Texts Hurt: Engaging, Qu(e)erying and Resisting Jewish and Christian Scriptures.

Monday, March 21, 7-10 pm, 019 Emmanuel College, 75 Queen’s Park Crescent.

“God Hates Fags” seems to be seared into our consciousness from TV screens as we try to understand what scriptures have to tell us about human sexuality. Have you wondered what the scriptures actually say? Are they really so cut and dried? If you are interested in exploring these questions and more then come out on March 21 as we listen to two people who have sought to explore these questions in their lives and with serious study.

Our panelists, Scott McGrath and Karen Williams will each be invited to speak for a half-hour followed by break-out group discussion and a Q & Q with the speakers.

Scott McGrath, M.S.W., R.S.W., is a Coach, Therapist, Consultant, Trainer (www.scottmcgrath.ca), Founder/Director of 4Square Group, a community of independent professionals dedicated to helping people and organizations reach their potential, and a counselor in the Counseling and Disability Office at Seneca College. Scott is also committed to working within the Jewish community and is currently a Faculty Advisor with the Foundation for Jewish Camp  (www.jewishcamp.org) and the volunteer Chair of the Annex Shul’s Leadership Team (www.annexshul.com). He has extensive experience working with students, educators, parents, teens and children in a variety of capacities.

Karen Williams is a doctoral candidate in New Testament at Emmanuel College, and is especially interested in the disciplinary practices of Christian scholars reading Pauline biographical texts. She is a community minister with the United Church of Canada, joining with neighbours to collectively create neighbourhood solutions to economic and social injustice. She will be ordained this May.

“When Texts Hurt” is sponsored by Vic Pride, LGBTout and Qu(e)erying Religion, including financial support from the Philip N. Knutson Endowment.

Light refreshments.

RSVP this event on Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=14268445931#!/event.php?eid=201370866558188

For more info:

Alex Wells, Vic Pride: gordon.awells@gmail.com

Ralph Carl Wushke, Th. M

Ecumenical Chaplain at U of T

416.978.2785 (O) 416.532.8591 (H)

www.utoronto.ca/ecut

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/group.php?gid=19944780633

My session was called: reVisioning Your Staff training. It’s based on a method I learned from Jodi Sperling, Director of Camp Wise. The premise is simple – we need to be goal oriented and strategic when we look at our staff training, regardless the setting or content. And we need to learn to see it in different ways.

When we’re planning training for camp or any other staff we have to look at our past experiences as an organization – our LIVED experience. From there, we have to put this information together in a meaningful way so we can LEARN from it. And finally, we have to develop a training program that, if successful, will LEAD our staff and organization to a new place with greater success.

The content of my session dove-tailing so neatly into the theme of the conference is no coincidence as the Live-Lead-Learn motto is both broad yet specific to any learning culture and one that should be followed.

In keeping with that great theme, I am including a step-by-step overview of what I taught on Friday so that you can also Learn and Lead with it. It can be modified to fit any training need and I hope you use it. If you do, it would be great to hear your feedback as I refine the process and further develop my materials.

To download these materials click here reVisioning Staff Training.

And if you have any questions about how to use it, please contact me. I’d be happy to walk you through it.

Happy training!
Scott

But aren’t we forgetting something? What about all those resolutions we made? Those great plans we hatched for making this year different. What happened to them?

If you’re anything like most of us – and fortunately most of us are – you’re probably scratching your head right now and wondering how you got sidetracked so quickly.

Great news… better the head scratch now than three or, even worse, six months from now when there’s less and less year ahead of you in which to realize your plans for 2011.

Here’s how you can make this shocking realization the last of its kind this year. Turn your resolutions, wish list and dreams into concrete, well-articulated, actionable goals, find a way to track them and hold yourself accountable to achieving them.

Some of us – a select few (myself not included) – are able to do this relatively easily. Most of us (myself included) need a bit of help in this department. And not to worry as becoming proficient in setting and achieving your goals is a learnable skill.

I try to impart what little wisdom I can when writing these blogs. Last year I even shared a goal-setting template around this time. But in working with people as a coach, therapist and trainer over the past five years there’s one thing I’ve know for certain – just learning how to set goals isn’t enough. You need to be in a goal-achieving environment that provides motivation, coaching and an accountability framework if you want to be successful.

This year, I’ve taken much of what I’ve learned about goal training and coaching and put it together to create such an environment. To that end, I will be facilitating a series of workshops that will move from teaching into practice, giving you lots of real experience in not only learning how to develop plans for success, articulate these and report on your progress but will also see you refine your own coaching skills as you motivate yourself and fellow participants throughout the process. By the end of this program, you’ll develop skills in coaching and goal training that will be assets in all aspects of your life: personal and professional.

The group is limited in size and built around similarity of background, expectations and ability to work effectively with others in order to maximize the learning and growth that happens for everyone.

For more information please click here. If you’re ready to arrange your pre-screening interview please click here. And finally, if you like the idea of goal training and coaching but would prefer more private instruction please click here.

Don’t wait until 2012 to achieve what you want for this year.

Scott