Stumbling on Happiness is a great read with many new, interesting and humorously laid out ideas. Another one of my favorites is the concept of the nexting brain. This is the part of the brain that is always thinking about what’s happening next – a constant split in focus between the present moment and the moment to come.

Thanks to Mr. Darwin we all have nexting brains. Those happy-go-lucky, present-focused cave dwellers were blissfully extinguished from history while their more future thinking cousins explored the world around them, created fire and started anticipating what was coming down the pipe so that they wouldn’t be caught with their proverbial loincloths down.

As I mentioned in my previous post, Dan Gilbert’s ideas are a departure from the way you’re probably used to thinking – they definitely were for me. But I can’t argue his logic. Achieving those moments of flow, presence, balance – whatever you want to call them – is so difficult precisely because our brains just aren’t built that way.

One trip to Downward Dog Yoga studios on a Saturday morning will quickly demonstrate how much effort the Lululemon clad, Starbucks drinking set puts into retraining their brains to be more present and more in tune with their bodies.

And I think that’s great. Anything we can do to connect to each and every awe filled moment we experience is essential.

But it’s also equally critical we understand that for many solid evolutionarily based reasons our brains will rigorously resist these retraining exercises.

We need to anticipate the dangers coming into our lives. I’m just not sure that allowing our nexting brains full-time occupancy in the driver’s seat of our frontal lobes is AS important as it used to be. When’s the last time you were chased down the street by a hungry mammoth for instance? My guess is that it’s been a while. So I think it is safe for us to take the time to stop and smell the roses when we get the urge without too much danger.

I love the book and I love the ideas. What I’m taking from it – and I hope you do too – is that we shouldn’t next all over ourselves in trying to be more present. Instead we should understand that our big, powerful, nexting brains have not only kept us safe but have also brought us a long way from the cave. If we learn to view that part of ourselves as we would an overprotective yet loving grama maybe we can throw down a yoga mat for two and invite her along in our efforts to be present rather than continuing to wrestle with her during our fifth set of sun salutations?

Namaste.
Scott

Balance is a word we throw around a lot. And like most things ubiquitous, there’s a certain judgment implied, leading us to believe that we should strive towards some death defying act of balance that eludes most but is ours for the taking – provided we just work hard enough and make good choices.

Not true my friends. At least not in the way we currently think about it.

I’d like to bring your attention to another word: stumbling.

Stumbling is something that – like you – I’ve always seen as a negative. This summer my view changed. I read Daniel Gilbert’s Stumbling on Happiness (http://www.randomhouse.com/kvpa/gilbert/) and my views on balance, stumbling and even happiness itself got all twisted around.

Gilbert’s book shows up that when we strive for anything – especially happiness – the act of striving and the process therein, changes us in ways that we cannot predict so that by the time we achieve that thing we thought would make us happy we’re no longer the person for whom it would and, therefore, achieving it probably won’t make us as happy as we thought it would.

Got it? Don’t worry. It takes a while.

Think about baking a cake. You start off with a lot of ingredients that all go together and somewhere along the line get transformed into a cake.

We are made up of ingredients (experiences, if you will) and our list of ingredients is constantly changing while simultaneously being added to the mix that is our cake. As we cannot limit our experience in the same way we can limit the ingredients when baking a cake, we can’t expect our lives to come out exactly the same as if we were only having experiences from the fixed a controlled list of possibilities

That’s the elusive nature of happiness and the paradox of balance.

When we strive for either, the act of striving collects in us experiences that by their very nature change (enhance, contribute, sometimes diminish) the essence of who we are and, in turn, shape how we define the very things we set out to achieve.

Happiness, like balance, isn’t a state towards which we can aspire. Rather it is a constant series of stumbles that will bring us closer to or further away from that which might or might not feel like balance or happiness in any given moment depending on what has happened or is happening.

Two keys words here folks: stumbling and moment.

All the smart-phone inspired organization and pop-psychology induced goal-setting in the world can only at best thinly veil what is really happening.

We’re stumbling. Admit it. You might think you know where you’re going – and you should have a very clear idea – but if you’re being honest with yourself does it ever really feel like you thought it might when you get there?

Maybe sometimes.

And those are our moments. When the act is no longer striving but a blissful coalescence between some expected desired state and an outcome that closely enough proximates it that we find ourselves fully embraced in the moment. Some, like our good friend Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, would call this flow (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_(psychology)) but I’m just going to call it a moment – a moment when we take a break from stumbling towards anything else and simply appreciate where we’ve landed this time.

And besides, Mihaly isn’t the friend I want to talk about today. It’s Amy Platt. Or more accurately the newly minted Dr. Amy Platt. Amy has spent the last five years working towards her PhD in psychology. An admirable feat but not one that many others before her haven’t achieved. What makes this story special is that during those five years Amy was also working full time as an elementary school teacher while often taking on additional students who she not only tutored but successfully coached through school. She also got married. And had her first child. More impressed? Thought you might be.

So you see, Mihaly may know a lot about flow but my even better friend Amy knows all about stumbling. Amy is one of those people who has made stumbling look like balance as she does it with grace. But I would venture a guess that if you heard her tell her story there were probably a few moments when the momentum of her life was moving her forward with far greater force than even the most well laid plan.

The stumbling stopped – for a moment – last week after Amy defended her PhD thesis. I had the honour of spending some time with her that day and it was a moment. A great, glorious moment with a wonderful friend who was basking in the glow of her accomplishment and savoring it all. By the end of our time together, of course, she had decided it was time to start stumbling towards something else and began asking me about getting more involved in an organization for which I volunteer.

Less than a week later and Amy is looking to join me on the board of that organization and is actively pursuing other challenges.

We’re stumblers. It’s what we do. Our stumbling brings us to great moments in life from time to time. But even when we don’t achieve these in the ways we might hope, we still keep stumbling towards them as their promise holds an intrinsic motivation all its own.
So keep stumbling. It will often get you somewhere good. Even if it’s not always where you thought you would end up. We all can’t be Amys. At least not all the time – not even Amy can do that! But we can keep stumbling with the hopes that we’ll eventually realize we’ve landed exactly in the place we were meant to be.

Congrats Amy on an amazing accomplishment! You really do inspire us all.

Scott

During this time, I’ve had the privilege of working with and learning from the woman who first ignited my passion for summer camping and an interest in working with people: Joanne Kates, Director of Camp Arowhon. Sixteen years ago she started to teach me what it meant to have the emotional courage to do the hard thing that needed to be done. When done properly, the benefit is enormous and not just for the person doing the hard thing but also for those on the receiving end – whether or not it is immediately apparent to them. My take away message from her:  listen to your gut. When it’s trembling and telling you to avoid something, take a few deep breaths and then DO exactly that thing it’s trying to prevent you from doing. You may need some help figuring out how and that’s okay – there are many people (experts, friends and colleagues alike) who can help you prepare. Not acting is a choice you will regret.

I also had the pleasure of doing some work with another great role model and close friend: Jodi Sperling, Director of Camp Wise. We first met working together at Camp Arowhon in the nineties and have developed a friendship that has inspired me to not only become a social worker like Jodi but to also re-engage professionally in the world of camping. Jodi has an uncanny ability to see what people are capable of before they can see it themselves and she never shies away from pushing them to grow into the incredible people she knows they can be. Her penchant for humour and zest for fun makes the tough work of personal growth an easier pill to swallow. My take away message from her: look deeper. We are capable of many great things if we push ourselves and others. And laugh. A lot. Life is best experienced with a smile.

There’s one final take away I’d like to leave you with. My plan is to spend the next few months writing reviews of things I’ve read that have made an impression on me personally and professionally and sharing some of them here. What I’ve realized in starting this review is that no matter how far away we might be from the wondrous years of childhood, the lessons we learned then are still amongst the most powerful. Below is an early life lesson that speaks for itself. Hope you get as much from it as I do.

Scott

Oh, the Places You’ll Go!
By Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself 
any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look ‘em over with care.
About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.”
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you’ll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you’ll head straight out of town.

It’s opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And then things start to happen,
don’t worry. Don’t stew.
Just go right along.
You’ll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU’LL GO!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed.
You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead.

Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so
but, sadly, it’s true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump,
you’re not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right…
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you’ll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…

…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That’s not for you!

Somehow you’ll escape
all that waiting and staying
You’ll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you’ll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You’ll be as famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t
Because, sometimes they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times
you’ll play lonely games too.
Games you can’t win
’cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance
you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul.
On you will go
though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike,
And I know you’ll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You’ll get mixed up 
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life’s 
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes!
You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So…
be your name Buxbaum
or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea,
You’re off the Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

A quick side-note to the parents among you: I assure you that these young adults get it – they know the magnitude of the job before them and they understand the trust you place in them in by releasing your children to their care.

One of the many topics we covered in most of my sessions was mirroring. Mirroring is a tool for empathy building originated by the self-psychologists (Heinz Kohut, circa 1984, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self_psychology) but more recently popularized – at least in Toronto – by Jennifer Kolari (www.connectedparenting.com).

The premise is fairly straightforward. Watch a parent (or really anyone) and an infant. Pay attention to their interactions. The infant makes a face – the observer mimics it. The infant makes a sound. The observer mimics it. For those of us lucky enough to have had a primary care-giver who was present and intuitive we spend the first two years of life having the world MIRROR back to us our smiles, our scowls, and our noises. In other words, everything that we’re able to feel and express in the ways we have available to us is fed-back to us in almost mirror-reflection perfection.

Then our words come and things get complicated. No longer can we get away with cooing, scowling, smiling or crying and having the people in our world respond with the exact – or similar enough noises – to show us that they understand what’s going on. Instead, we are challenged to use our words to describe what we want, what we need, and, most importantly, to rationalize the why behind it.

Self-psychologists argue that this is where the frustration begins and, perhaps, why the terrible twos are so terrible. Those years represent the beginning of a huge paradigmatic shift in which our environment no longer mirrors back to us what we’re feeling. And up until that point this has been our only proof that we are being understood. What this creates, therefore, is the beginning of some significant life-long feelings of being misunderstood.

If I’ve already lost you, think about how many times in your life you said with sigh of relief how great it felt to speak to so-and-so because ‘they just really got you’. My guess is you not only remember saying that, you remember about whom you said it and when as well. This is proof of how infrequently feeling really understood happens and how powerful it is.

It would be disingenuous of me to assert that each one of those people was ‘mirroring’ you. I do, however, strongly suspect that elements of mirroring were present and had something to do with you feeling understood.

So what is mirroring exactly? It isn’t complicated and it isn’t much more than its name it implies but it is incredibly difficult. Mirroring is truly reflecting back to someone what they are expressing to us in the way they are expressing it. It is 100% about the person and their experience. And that’s why it’s so difficult. Because it’s not about us and how we relate to their experience or what we think they should or shouldn’t do. It’s really and truly all about them.

It works best in situations when people really need to feel understood – those times when they’re communicating with their emotional volume turned way up. When they are exceptionally sad, angry, frustrated, etc… These are the times when our emotions have taken over and the logical-rational side of our selves is temporarily disengaged. We don’t want solutions. We don’t want to hear about how others experienced something similar. We don’t want anything other than to be fully understood.

Here’s an example. Someone tells me that they’re fed up with school. They’re tired of sitting in classes listening to people who can’t teach and being forced to learn about stuff they don’t care about and will never need to know. They tell me that school is not for them and they’re ready to quit.

My gut reaction – and probably yours – would be to launch into a lecture about how important school is and/or how I got through all the many times when I felt exactly the same way. I would be full of stories I would hope they could relate to and solutions for how they can cope with it. But how would that make them feel? Listened to? Like I really understood how horrible their experience was? Like I understood them? Probably none of the above. In fact, my lecture and suggestions will most likely turn something that could have been a conversation into something that quickly looks more like a fight.

Thankfully, I have another great starting point:  I can mirror. I can say ‘you’re stuck in classes with people who can’t teach and you’re learning crap you don’t want to learn and that you’ll never need. No wonder you want to drop out.’

At that point they might be a little startled as they certainly wouldn’t be expecting what sounds to them like agreement. They’ll also be feeling something pretty close to being understood. My guess is they’d push a little further. Probably something like: ‘yah, it’s stupid and there’s no point at all in being there.’ My response? ‘You think you’d be much better off in you weren’t in school.’ No sense of questioning. Just a statement of fact. There are probably a few more rounds in here but here’s the place I think you’ll get to – they will feel understood, they will calm down enough to have a discussion about the pros and cons of dropping out of school. I have a hunch that in a rational state most people will see the significant downside of dropping out and will stick with it at least until it makes sense to take a break.

Although this is a fairly innocuous example the theory is the same. Mirror the person so they feel understood. They will turn the emotional volume down once they believe that you’re getting them. And at that point they’ll be ready to partner with you in coming up with some choices that make sense.

Still with me? Clearly I can’t summarize the entire concept in one blog entry but I can tell you that it works. You can start by reading Jennifer Kolari’s book (Connected Parenting) and take it from there. Or you can contact me and I can guide you through it. I can also tell you that I’ve taught this to 17-23 year olds at many camps. I have an on going role at two of these camps and each time I visit I’ve had multiple staff members – previously very vocal naysayers – approach me and share success stories they’ve had with campers when they decided to give my ‘mirroring thing’ a try – typically after exhausting all other efforts  without success.

I already knew mirroring works. I taught it to them. What I didn’t know how many of them would take the chance to give it a try. Sometimes it’s important to plant the seed and hope the conditions are ripe for it take hold. The jury is still out on how many of these 17-23 will use mirroring and find it helpful. I’ll keep you posted. In the meantime, though, I hope you too will give mirroring a chance. Let me know how it goes.

Scott

About three weeks ago I returned from Washington DC where I got to spend some time reconnecting with old friends and exploring the city before I headed to Waynesborough, PA for the Foundation of Jewish Camps 2010 LaunchPad seminar where I was one of five faculty members who delivered four jam-packed days of workshops to over sixty camp supervisors from more than twenty American and Canadian summer camps.  This event was the culmination of five months of planning, collaboration, hard work and eager anticipation. It also marked the first of many training workshops I will be delivering to staff at summer camps in Ontario, Ohio, Colorado and California over the next twelve weeks.

Part of my goal for 4Square Group – the network of independent professionals I created – is to connect with other coaches, therapists, trainers and consultants and to connect them to each other. Although I am only in the beginning stages of achieving that goal, these connections have opened the doors to many other great ideas and opportunities for me professionally and have had a significant impact on the work I’m currently undertaking with summer camps. I have always known and appreciated the value of connections but I am surprised by just how instrumental they’ve been for me. I hope that the professional relationships I’m developing continue to grow and provide on going benefit for all involved – including the ever-expanding 4Square Group network.

To that end, 4Square Group is undergoing some changes. Based on the feedback we’ve received from Affiliates and potential members we are revising the site; making it easier to sign up; creating a more balanced representation of members; affiliates and the director; providing more ‘members only’ content in terms of professional development opportunities, literature reviews and space for members to communicate with each other privately. As with any new product or service you’re not quite certain how it’s going to function until people begin using it, so I’m grateful for the suggestions and I hope you’ll stay-tuned for further announcements on our efforts to meet the needs of our Affiliates, Members, potential members and our respective clients.

In the meantime, I’m setting myself a new personal goal: to write at least one blog per week until the end of August that provides practical, insightful content that will assist readers in one of the following areas: goal setting/attainment, communication, relationships or happiness. I will need your help in achieving part of this goal so I hope you’ll email me or comment on my posts with feedback on whether you find these tips helpful. The other part, the part that has me writing weekly, is more or less up to me but if there’s anything that falls into one of the categories above that you would like me to address please feel free to let me know.

As for the nugget of wisdom in this post – should one exist – I just modeled how to write a SMART GOAL (Specific Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Timely) above. My goal specifies at least one blog per week that contains insightful, practical content in one of four areas. I can easily measure if I am writing one per week or not but asked for your help on the other measurement – whether or not they are helpful. It is achievable as once per week – even with all my impending summer travel – shouldn’t be too onerous. It is definitely realistic in that writing these posts is directly related to my current work focus – developing the 4Square Group network and providing my clients with additional resources to assist them outside of our time together. And it is time bound – one post per week till the end of August.

As it’s been a while I’ll add in another tip for achieving a greater degree of happiness: the gratitude log. There’s a lot of buzz right now about Positive Psychology. If you’re interested in learning more I highly recommend Martin Seligman’s Authentic Happiness. Not only is it a good read, it also provides lots of measurement tools to help you assess your own level of happiness as well as practical actions you can take to increase this. Keeping a journal, or more specifically, a gratitude log is a universal recommendation amongst the Positive Psychologists. They believe – and I tend to agree – that the simple act of writing down at least three things everyday for which you’re grateful will increase your happiness. Even if you can only think of the simplest things for which to be grateful, I would encourage you start and monitor your progress. You’ll be surprised how quickly your log will move from ‘today I’m grateful it’s not raining’ to ‘today I’m grateful for the challenging new opportunity my boss gave me at work’. It won’t take long. As usual, keep me posted on your progress.

Scott